shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
