You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
