please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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