I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
