the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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