I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i will never coherently bang her
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
