My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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