Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
