I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
