You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
