tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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