His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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