Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize