I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
