ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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