I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
