bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
