i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
