When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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