I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
