im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize