1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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