I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
