I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
