Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
