I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
time to smoke my breakfast
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
