Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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