Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
