maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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