I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize