his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
