If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
