I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
A+ Viking dick
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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