hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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