I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
