the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
