ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
