You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
