god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
