her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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