Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
