What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
