He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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