My hand turned me down
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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