Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
