Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize