I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I need to stop coming to work sober
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
my liver is dry heaving
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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