STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
