ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
