you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
