I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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