I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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