hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i think i just lost a toe
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize