I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
