Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
