I just pynch a tree in the face
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
