I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
