First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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