dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
